Have you ever wondered what its like to have a disorder, yet be so conscious about it? To flick a switch and not have the light turn on? Something like Alzheimers', where everyone sees you slowly slipping away, but most painfully aware of whom is yourself. Being a borderline personality isn't easy. You question whether ignorance is bliss. Whether your empathy and your highly sensitive nature is even necessary, is worth it. When you're down, you don't say anything. When you aren't, you ask yourself...
What if...?
I shall attempt to explain how I feel in a bit of a metaphorical prose. It is not meant to depress or make me a protagonist. I am my own antagonist - and that is the comedy of this tragedy.
***
If there's a lot of light
If the sun is right above me
Shining at noon, casting but a sliver
Then I barely see it; Barely feel it.
I look up and I see light!
I look down and I see me.
But then, when dusk falls
And it seems there are no shadows around
You relax
You forget a shadow is just that lack of light
And so this darkness envelops you
So deeply.
Before you realize it
So explicitly
That suddenly, you and your shadow are one.
Which is not too bad!
Really.
Except you're choking,
and you're screaming,
Help. Help.
I can't see.
Help. Help.
Help me.
And then you give up screaming
Because its so dark
That even if anyone hears you
It happens to be the very positive scenario
that you'll stay alone in the shadows.
That's when you forget about the light.
Until, of course, the next day comes!
And it all repeats itself
Again.
That's what its like living with BPD.
What if...?
I shall attempt to explain how I feel in a bit of a metaphorical prose. It is not meant to depress or make me a protagonist. I am my own antagonist - and that is the comedy of this tragedy.
***
If there's a lot of light
If the sun is right above me
Shining at noon, casting but a sliver
Then I barely see it; Barely feel it.
I look up and I see light!
I look down and I see me.
But then, when dusk falls
And it seems there are no shadows around
You relax
You forget a shadow is just that lack of light
And so this darkness envelops you
So deeply.
Before you realize it
So explicitly
That suddenly, you and your shadow are one.
Which is not too bad!
Really.
Except you're choking,
and you're screaming,
Help. Help.
I can't see.
Help. Help.
Help me.
And then you give up screaming
Because its so dark
That even if anyone hears you
It happens to be the very positive scenario
that you'll stay alone in the shadows.
That's when you forget about the light.
Until, of course, the next day comes!
And it all repeats itself
Again.
That's what its like living with BPD.
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