March 2009 Archives

Have you ever wondered what its like to have a disorder, yet be so conscious about it? To flick a switch and not have the light turn on? Something like Alzheimers', where everyone sees you slowly slipping away, but most painfully aware of whom is yourself. Being a borderline personality isn't easy. You question whether ignorance is bliss. Whether your empathy and your highly sensitive nature is even necessary, is worth it. When you're down, you don't say anything. When you aren't, you ask yourself...

What if...?

I shall attempt to explain how I feel in a bit of a metaphorical prose. It is not meant to depress or make me a protagonist. I am my own antagonist - and that is the comedy of this tragedy.

***

If there's a lot of light
If the sun is right above me
Shining at noon, casting but a sliver
Then I barely see it; Barely feel it.
I look up and I see light!
I look down and I see me.

But then, when dusk falls
And it seems there are no shadows around
You relax
You forget a shadow is just that lack of light
And so this darkness envelops you
So deeply.
Before you realize it
So explicitly
That suddenly, you and your shadow are one.

Which is not too bad!
Really.
Except you're choking,
and you're screaming,
Help. Help.
I can't see.
Help. Help.
Help me.
And then you give up screaming
Because its so dark
That even if anyone hears you
It happens to be the very positive scenario
that you'll stay alone in the shadows.

That's when you forget about the light.

Until, of course, the next day comes!
And it all repeats itself
Again.

That's what its like living with BPD.

I was being pissed at Gmail (not really, more at just the concept of business and payment) when I took a glance at my list of contact on the left. Pretty normal routine. Except this time, I noticed that one particular guy on my list didn't exist anymore. Not in my life, nor anyone else's. How often do we have a one-way email to no one? Something we know we can send something and never get a reply?

Matt Lash will be remembered for his sad passing a year ago, this April. Even though he will forever remain in my heart, gmail, facebook and msn, seeing his name there sometimes brings a smile, sometimes, a glassy tear. He was the wittiest lawyer ever. The cutest boy in the hospital. And although it kills me that he has passed, I have ne'er a memory of him I want to forget.

So that's why he stays on my list. Even though I know I will never get a reply, even though he has passed from the real world, and obviously the virtual, I think part of his soul remains. Remains in everything he touched. That's why he stays on. He may be appearing offline, but you know...

You never know.

I don't want a piece of heaven.

I want it all.

Too scared to run away
Holding fast to the break of daylight
Crooked souls trying to stay up straight
Dry eyes in the pouring rain.

Sometimes it's like clawing
Apathy grabbing at the legs of optimism
With your nails breaking
Along the stony floor

The quicksand of gravity
Wrapping its tentacles around your perfect, delicate throat
So a scream becomes a whisper
A pleading look is silenced

A bittersweet struggle; so much, too much
despite the red
and despite the looks of utter despair
complete foolish imprisonment
despite the encroaching sense of nothing

the courage of resistance
negates everything.